A Mother’s Love/Wanting to be Held

Today I’m taking a break from my usual, and scarce, weight-loss blogs to talk about something else. Love, more importantly the love one can only receive from a mother. 

I first want to start off saying I love my mom, and I will now and always do anything I can to help her and make her happy. And I know my mom loves me, but we view love in different ways, some are the same but still differently. They say there are 2 types of way to love someone, showing and telling. My mom is all about wanting to be shown that you love her, buy her something, take her to dinner, pay a bill lol. I do like when people buy me things (I mean come on who doesnt?) but I like to be told I’m loved, hugged, kissed on the forehead. So at times we have trouble connecting, to say the least. 

I do now and always will believe my mother always did what she thought was best, and I wasn’t an easy child, but like all parents mistakes were made because there isn’t a manual for raising children. Somewhere down the line and circumstances I developed depression which I still battle with, but it also caused me to legitimately stop believing in love. 

I know that sounds silly to some people, especially those who heat me say “I love you.” But I say it because in my head I know it’s the social response someone is looking for, my heart doesn’t feel it, or it didn’t. Until I met someone who had changed my views on things, not just love but on life. 

A year and some months ago I started attending church, and while I’m not the most faithful I love it, I’m working though my problems and slowly building my faith and trust in God. Words I never thought I’d use lol. I attend a pentecostal church, for those of you who have no idea what that means it’s a church where the women don’t cut their hair, always wear modest skirts or dresses, don’t wear jewelry or makeup, and follow very biblical standards. And in this church you’ll find me, skinny jeans and lipstick lol, and no one will say a word about it.

I digress, I met this wonderful woman at church and we instantly connected, our lives are so much alike it’s kind of scary. She’s been where I am, she’s faced trials I know are ahead of me, and she’s fallen from grace and picked herself back up. She’s also spent the last 8 months trying to convince me she loves me, like a mother loves their child, but even now I don’t believe it fully. Every text I send her I instantly regret for fear of bothering her, every time I ask for advice I’m worried she’ll say I’m too much to deal with, but she doesn’t. She presses on and continues to love me even when life tries to push her down. 

Like I said I love my mom, but is it bad to love someone else as a mother as well? If you connect with someone on that level, and their giving you what your own mother couldn’t is it terrible to love them as a mother? There are times when you need to be able to step away from your family, when life is trying and dealing with them makes it worse, and be able to have someone to care for you like a mother. 

I write this just to rant this evening; sleep deprivation, stress, and depression have finally broken me. I work 2 jobs, a minimum of 71 hours a week, 6 days a week, and have no time to live. My mother is sweet enough to leave me dinner, and even wait up for me every night to say goodnight and she loves me. But it’s not enough, sometimes you need to be held. You need someone to wrap you up in a cover and just hold you close, to let you know life isn’t as bad and scary as it seems. Sometimes you need the love of a mother who isn’t your own to make your world worth living.

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Baby Fever?

First I want to say thank you for the people who are following me, and those who like my posts, please comment I love comments lol. Today my post is a little more serious and a little sad, it’s how I’m feeling though. So I have fertility issues and I’ve been told that it’s super unlikely that I’ll conceive naturally, and still unlikely that I’ll conceive with medical intervention. I’ve known for 4 almost 5 years now but it doesn’t get easier, oh and have I mentioned I raise other people’s children for a living?

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I love my kids at work please don’t get me wrong, I work with 2 year olds and they keep me on my toes. I enjoy most of their parents, I have fun playing with them, watching g them grow, and even helping them through their tantrums. Some times, like tonight, it hurts. It hurts watching them get excited and go home with their parents, it hurts knowing I invest my life and love into them and in the end I’ll be forgotten.

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It’s a mix of feelings to see my friends getting married and having babies, trying to be happy but crying myself to sleep because I won’t ever have that. I joke so much and say well working with kids makes me not want to have them, but as I see these tiny 6 week old babies come into the center, grow, learn, and leave 5 years later my heart grows heavy. Maybe it’s not meant to be, and maybe it’s one of those things like those who can’t do teach, but when does my time come? When do I get to have a family?

And yes yes I know adoption or surrogacy is an option, but both cost thousands of dollars. That money should go to raising my child not having to buy one, I mean adoption costs so much it’s like they don’t even want you to adopt.  I will close with this; if I never get the chance to be a mother I’ll be ok. I’m blessed to have an amazing job where I impact the loves of so many tiny humans, and I make a difference if only for a short time. I’ll also be sad that I’ll miss out on something I’ve wanted since I was just a small girl, but I’ll live.

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To Love a Book

As I’ve stated before I’m a nerd, I love to read, and I’m proud! I am in so many fandoms that sometimes I forget them, but I remember the exact moment my life changed, “Mr. And Mrs. Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.”

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This was the moment that I became obsessed with all things to do with reading, this one sentence when I was eight years old make me into the person I am today. I wanted to take a moment to explain to all of my non readers what I mean, as well as to some of my readers who just don’t get it.

Love, it’s a word we use so much that to some it’s lost all meaning, and to others it’s only associated with pain. We love our phones, we love pizza, we love emojis  (I can’t talk I love these things too!). Some people talk about finding true love, or how amazing it is to love a person, but have you ever loved a book the way you love a person? Now just hear me out before you go all red in the face from laughing because I know at least one of you will.

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To love something or someone, and I mean really truly love them, is the strongest emotion we can feel. You would give your life for that person, creature, or thing. You do things selflessly instead of selfishly, and watching them hurt makes you hurt. Now that’s me with books, especially Harry Potter. Getting a new books is like falling in lust, I can’t wait to get home and rip the cover off. Then as I read it, feeling the pages turning I fall out of lust and into a deep appreciation for what the book has to offer. Finally after finishing the book or the series I realize how much I love the characters, the plot, the author, and even the pain I felt.

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When it’s all said and done they stay in your heart, you refer to them in times of need, they are the best friends you can ever have. I know this is a silly little post thay most will make fun of or not even read, but for those who understand the feeling I applaud you and ask that you never forget. Remember that a reader lives a thousand lives while a non reader only lives one. Love your books, love yourself, and most of all love what truly matter.

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The Battle or the War?

So this is just gonna he a quick little rant, tomorrow I plan to post and actually explain. But is it truly better to lose the battle and win the war? Does there need to actually be a war? Why battle over nonsense?!

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From the bottom of my bottle

So I’ve learned through the years what kind of drinker I am, I’m a philosopher.  When I start drinkin I start over thinkin life and all there is to and in it! Tonight I’m doing something that I don’t do very often, especially on a work night, enjoying a few bottles of wine. As I feel slight buzz and I start to relax I started thinking of course, but I wonder if I’m destined to spend my life alone. And please before yiu all start doing the “no you’ll find someone” thing just take a moment to listen.

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Reason One, I am a huge nerd. I’m sure millions of people call themselves that, but I am an obsessive nerd who loves World of Warcraft, I played Pottermore, and I clearly blog about my nerdy obsessions. It gets worse though, I love LARPG, and would happily name my child after my favorite book character. Most people can’t handle my type of nerd.

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Reason Two, I am so socially awkward! Most people who meet me think I fit in so well but normally I just BS my way through until I can return to my beloved dungeon (bedroom). I’m 23 and still ask myself where do you meet people? Besides bars or the Internet where do you meet people to date? What is it like to be in a serious relationship? I’m a hermit! I netflix, game, read, and spend my time at home because meeting people is hard.

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Reason Three, I have no tolerance for stupid! I work with kids and once I’m off work I don’t have time to deal with someone who acts like a child. Granted I do LOVE to do fun things, but the childish pettiness is not something I can handle. I’m pretty sure you have to have tolerance to deal with people. I have a coworker who is about 4p years my senior and she’s single, never been married, had no kids and is a huge nerd! I’m pretty sure I found my future, which honestly makes me sad.

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But as I sit and think about these things I realize how sad they make me, even though I’m actually very happy with my life. I want to be more then the cool aunt, more then the old maid who has dogs, and more then just the nerd who died alone surrounded by her books (not a half bad way to go though). I want to be someone’s Rose, someone’s Irene Adler, I want to be someone’s Always. Maybe one day I’ll find my Doctor, my Sherlock, or my Severus (Him! Yes most definitely him!!!). But I guess until then I’m a nerd who loves her books, loves her job, and loves escaping into a world of fantasy and living a thousand lives.

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I’ve been thinkin….

So for those who don’t know I’m a huge nerd, like a ridiculously huge nerd! I’m 23 and I still obsess over Harry Potter, I’m a Trekkie, a Sherlockian, a Whovian and I I love to be surrounded by books! I say that to say this, I MISS ALAN RICKMAN!!! He has made a huge impact in my nerd life, even excluding Harry Potter.

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He played so many roles I’ve loved, and have taught me so many life lessons. So I just wanted to take a minute to say I mourn you Alan Rickman, thank you for dedicating your life to making others happy.

On this same note I’ve been thinking about how attractive I find men like him. I love the odd features, the deep voice, and the scowl! It’s so funny, like I wonder if I’ll ever find anyone who looks like him that I actually like and can accept my nerdiness?

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This! So sexy to me!

But I digress to other things that have been on my mind, because I need to. I’ve dedicated my new year to getting healthy and losing weight, because I really need to. I’m 23 and need to lose like an entire person, hopefully like 12 stones. I’ve been thinking about buying “goal” outfit, something that I want to fit into when I weigh what I want. Any thoughts? I’d love some advice on weight loss and healthy living if you have it. Thanks for listening to my rant.

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Story of my life

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a horrible person! To tell you this story let me first tell you a little about myself. So like I said in my previous post 2015 changed alot for me, I quit smoking, quit drinking, started going to church, and vowed to be a better me. I’m an apostolic pentecostal, yes the ones who don’t cut their hair and only wear skirts, we are a pretty dedicated bunch of people who love to praise and celebrate God. It can be hard when you’re not someone raised in the church, and when you’re one of the only ones in your house to attends church especially a pentecostal church.

God is working on me and slowly changing me, but it’s a process and it’s hard. I always said I was an atheist because it was so much easier then explaining how I actually felt about God. Anyways bunch of changed blah blah blah, but I still feel like an awful person and maybe I am. Jealousy truly is a monster!

So I my friend, we’ll call her Kelly, is the one who introduced me to the church and I’m so thankful for her! Kelly is an amazing friend makes me laugh, gives me great advice and answers all of my questions. But now Kelly has a boyfriend and once again I’m the last of the Mohicans! It’s like I have the plague! And I’m so happy for her, but I wish I had what she has! I get that I’m not the prettiest, most intelligent, or even the most interesting person but I’m not that bad!

I’m so glad that she’s happy and I pray they work out and eventually get married because that’s what she wants out of life, I just want to know when is it my turn? I care for people all day everyday, and I’m not looking for sympathy or an award, I just want to know when someone will see what I have to offer and love me for who I am. Maybe they never will, maybe God’s plan for my life doesnt involve a family. I struggle to say of that’s His plan for me then I will be happy and follow Him through it all, I will but it will hurt!

All I’ve ever wanted out of life is to be married, have a great husband who enjoys serving the Lord and a few children. Maybe it’s not meant to be, maybe I am team single for life. I guess I’ll forever be a bridesmaid and never the bride. No matter what I love my God and will follow Him through all.

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