Seat Filler

Hello All! Yes I know it’s been forever, I’m sorry life has been busy (and I’ve been lazy). But what better time to update my blog than midnight while I’m sitting on my bedroom floor taking a breathing treatment (asthma and allergies are terrible) and crying. The topic of today’s breakdown you ask? My insecurities!! Yes I know I have so many (that’s another blog) but specifically breaking a golden rule I have. 

For the past 6 almost 7 years I’ve lived by a golden rule (no nothing THE Golden rule), don’t get attached. Just hear me out before you make the scuffing noises. So I believe everyone has a place in this wasteland we call a world, some people’s places are better than others, but we all have one and we usually know what it is. Have you ever heard of seat fillers at award shows? You know they’re the people who jump in a seat when a famous person goes to the bathroom or something so the seat isn’t empty if the cameras pan to the audience (yes they actually do this, and no I have no idea where I learned this). Well I believe some of us are just seat fillers in this world, meant to help others and fill voids until the star comes back. 

I know it sounds pessimistic and it probably is, but circumstances in my life have lead me to this feeling. So how do you avoid this? DON’T GET ATTACHED!!! While it may not fix being a seat filler, it does make things less painful when you’re no longer needed. Let me clarify before I continue (lest someone get upset or misunderstand me), I don’t believe people use me or other and just cast them aside like trash. I believe they genuinely believe they care about us because we’re filling a need for them, and once they have their person back they slowly forget about us because they can’t help it. 

Like I said, I’ve broken the rule and I don’t even know what to do about it. Today I’ve been in my feelings and I’ve wanted to cry most of the day (thank you hormones!) I got attached, it started with one person, then the children, and it’s continued on to the rest of her family (I mean how do you stop yourself from loving such amazing people?!) But today I kind of had to remind myself of my place, and that reminder hurt more than I wanted it to. I made a promise to someone last year that they would get their family back (and physically she has, emotionally it’s not quite there). You know it started so much like it always does, me filling a void and just trying to help, but this time my feelings got involved. 

So what happens when my promise comes to fruition? Likely the same thing as always (you know the calls come less and less, the text eventually stop, and they forgot I exist) I’ve been through this so many times its textbook now. The difference is this one will hurt, this loss will break what’s left of my soul (there isn’t much left but it’s still there), but it’s not like I’ll fight to stop it. I’ll be thrilled when I keep my promise and she gets what she wants, even though it means my use is up I’ll be happy to see them happy. My heart will hurt after this one though, all because I couldn’t follow one simple rule. 

Before you say it, no I can’t just tell any of them how I feel (because they’ll laugh it off and say I’m being ridiculous, and I’ll fake laugh and that’ll be the end of it.) How do you tell people that you’re afraid to lose them? How do you explain to them that all the people before so easily forgot you existed that you can’t let yourself trust them when they say they won’t? Is it worth hurting them because of your insecurities? Maybe it’s for the best I stay silent, I let it play out, they’re happy and I’ll get over it. I guess at the end of the day I’m just lucky to have gotten to know what it’s like, lucky to know what it feels like to be loved, even if it was just as a seat filler. 

It’s 12:18 and my nebulizer treatment is over, my tears are still fresh, and my brain wants to stop thinking. I guess I wrote this in hopes of feeling better tomorrow, I don’t even know anymore. I will say if you read this and thought of someone message them, reach out and let them know you haven’t forgotten about them, because chances are they feel like a seat filler in your life.

Good night my dears, thanks for reading.

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