Storytime?/I’m An Emotional Mess

I’ve talked about what I’m going to tell ya’ll on my other blog but I’ve kept my emotions out of the story. So today I just wanted to post what’s going on and how I actually feel about it all. I needed to add that disclaimer before writing this post. 

I have a friend who is going through alot right now, 3 kids (2 under 3), a divorce (quite bitter), moving back in with her mother (so sorry for her mom), and trying to get back to the person she was before she met this repulsive mad (abusive to her and the children). As her friend I couldn’t ask for anything better, I pray she gets help and learns to be the amazing person she use to be, like I said I couldn’t ask for anything better right? Well.. I would like to give her an attitude adjustment.. and maybe a punch in the face. I do understand that what she’s going through is hard, I’ve been through divorces (yes that’s plural) with my mother, and I’ve survived an abusive relationship (that’s a story for another day). I know it’s going to take time for her figure things out and get herself together, I know she needs friends to stand by her and love her, I know she needs help and isn’t even sure what kind of help she needs, but I need her to understand other people are going through things too. 

I love her, her children (those 3 kids are my world especially the middle daughter!), hell I even love her mom (she’s amazing and she’s helped me more than I can even begin to explain). No matter what I will stand by her and do everything I can to support her, even if it’s an inconvenience, because those are the choices I make for people I love. What I can’t do is stand by and let her treat everyone the way she does. The past 3 weeks I’ve listened to her scream at her mother for literally no reason, berate her children and yell at them just because they’re stressful (they’re 9, 2, and 18 months of course they’re stressful), and even yell at me because I refuse to take her side in the fights she picks. Again I stick around by my own choice because I love her and those beautiful babies. 

I talked in my last post about the loss I experienced a very short time ago, a loss that I’m not over, a loss I’m not sure I’ll ever get over. Today I was a mess, although I held it together on the outside (for most of the day) I was dying on the inside, I still feel like I’m dying on the inside. I guess I should back track a little so you can understand why. I’m not going to explain it all again because today my heart can’t handle it, if you want the story read my post titled My Fertility Issues. A few days ago this same friend and I were in our way to help her dad (he’s amazing) and it gave us a chance to talk, really talk, and we started talking about my loss and how I was feeling. I’ve only really managed to talk to one person about this because they’ve been through it and understand how I’m feeling (although I don’t think I can ever understand how she felt and still feels), but this is my friend and I’m emotional and so we talked. 

I forgot that she doesn’t understand empathy, sympathy she knows not well but she knows it. For those of you who don’t know sympathy is when you can feel compassion, sorrow, and pity for someone; while empathy is being able to put yourself in their shoes and really feel how they feel. It’s a fine line but there’s a difference and in certain situations it is a huge difference. She made a comment to me about being “lucky” (that word is being thrown around again and I hate it) I won’t have to experience how terrible pregnancy symptoms are. My heart shattered at that statement, I know she didn’t mean it to sound as crude as it did but this is where empathy comes into play.

I’ve heard and seen how hard pregnancy can be, I’ve seen people go through pregnancies from hell, but to someone who may never experience that it’s still the most beautiful thing. To someone who lost a baby, to someone who may never fall pregnant again, to someone who only has a small and short window of opportunity even the pregnancy from hell would be worth it! Everything would be worth it to go through hours of painful labor and get to hold their baby, to know they created, carried, and fought for this little life. My heart (like so many women in my situation) breaks with every period I have, my soul dies a little with every negative pregnancy test, my spirit dims everytime I see a pregnant woman or a mother with her child, and she tells me I’m “lucky”. 

I’ve spent and continue to spend as much time with her children as I can, hearing my littles say my name and how excited they are to see me gets me through my weeks. After that comment I was silent,  we helped her dad and left, she could tell I was upset although I’m not sure she knew exactly why. We began talking again and she made what I believe she thought was a sweet offer, she said she’d be willing to carry a child for me. It is an amazing offer, to all those couples who use/need a surrogate having a friend willing to do it makes life easier, but at this stage in my journey and in my emotional state it broke me even further. Yet another reminder that my time to carry my own child is running out, another reminder that in the next 24-36 months I’ll need to have a full hysterectomy, another reminder that I can’t do what a woman was designed to do. 

I’ve spent alot of time asking why, being angry with myself, and trying to figure out how I’m suppose to live after this. I thought if I threw myself into helping her and her family that I could just forget and push it away (I’m good at burying emotions and thoughts I don’t want to feel) but I was reminded today that with my fertility and with a miscarriage you can’t push it away, and you will never forget. For those of you who haven’t and probably won’t read my other post, I found out I was pregnant and sadly it was an ectopic pregnancy. My doctor “luckily” caught it early enough to “fix” before anymore damage was done to my system. And while I didn’t have time to prepare for my baby, my body did, in some ways I think my brain had as well, and no matter how much I want to run from it I cant. 

You can’t run from the empty feeling you have, you can’t run from the urge to rest your hand on your stomach and wonder what it would have felt like to feel your baby kick. You can’t help but let your mind wonder to what the baby would have been, what it would have looked like, or what you would have named it. My heart breaks for the woman who knew, for the woman who had time to prepare, for the woman who experienced stillbirth. You are my hero’s, compared to that I don’t feel I have the right to be upset, I lost something, no scratch that I lost someone I didn’t get a chance to know, but you lost someone your heart grew to love. 

I went off on a tangent I’m sorry (and yes I took a few hours of a break to cry) I’ll do my best too get back on track. To have someone who had 3 healthy pregnancies and has 3 beautiful children offer to do something like that broke my heart. Maybe of it were to come to that I would consider it (at the end of the day I will exhaust all options before I give up) but the thought of someone else feeling my baby kick in their womb reduces me to tears. I think it was a sweet offer, just an offer made at the wrong time. Then this part of me that’s bitter and spiteful (hell even jealous) wants to punch her! Don’t offer to carry a child for me when you won’t even love the children you have! If you’re detached and withdrawn from your children (she was that way with her last pregnancy as well) can I trust you to treat your body right while you carry my child? 

These emotions I keep to myself (except for on here obviously). My heart breaks to see someone like my friend and others out there both men and woman who are blessed with children and don’t care for them properly when so many of us may never have that. I have this hope (a false and stupid hope) that when the divorce is final and she gets full custody of the children that she’ll decide she doesn’t want them and will let me take them. Even if it’s not me maybe her mother, or someone, anyone who will love these babies the way they deserve. Tonight I lay at home; after spending a wonderful day with my family, my friends mom (who’s had to deal with me crying 70% of the day), quality time with my littles, all I can think about is my friend. 

Like I said in the beginning of want to see her succeed, I want to see her happy, I want to see her become the mother I know she can be and love those kids like she should. I will, even though at times it rips my heart apart, continue to support her and spend time with the littles. I pray one day the hard work I and many others put into her life will pay off, if not for her than the children. And maybe once my body recovers and I can think clearly I’ll be able to try again. 

I’m sorry my last few posts have been sad but I can’t fake happy, not on here, this is the only place I can show my raw emotions. I’ll try to post again during a happy time of the day and make it light-hearted, I know we all need it. Thank you guys again for reading and listening. 

To all the mothers out there, please take an extra few minutes to cuddle your babies no matter how old they are. To all the mothers who have lost a baby my heart and prayers are with you, I hope you have your moment and get your Rainbow Baby.

                    Have A Good Night Guys,

                               Yours Truly 

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