A Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for so many things everything really. I’m sorry that you were so young when you had me and had to raise me on your own, I’m sorry being such a clingy child. I’m sorry for crying and blaming you because my dad wasn’t around, I know it wasn’t your fault I always knew it wasn’t. I’m sorry for being such a slacker in school, I was smart but lazy and I’m sorry I you had to yell at me because of it. I’m sorry I’ve never accomplished anything of importance or even significant, I know that I’ve disappointed you my entire life. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more like my sister and accomplish what she has. I just want you to know that I’m sorry I’ve failed. 

Before anyone gets all concerned and wants to report my post of flag it or whatever no this isn’t me saying goodbye, this isn’t a suicide note, this isn’t me wanting attention or even help. This  is me honestly wishing I had the courage to tell my mom these things. 

I’m emotional and I cry when I’m sad, luckily for me I spend about 5 out of the 7 days being sad lol. No mother, or at least most mothers, would ever tell their children how much they’ve disappointed them, but we know. We see it in their eyes when they look at us, hear it in their voice when they speak us, we can even feel it in the way you hug us. It’s a terrible feeling when you’re the disappointment, it’s even worse when you can never compete with your siblings. I’m 24 and my sister is 17, and yes I know I’m too old to feel threatened by my sister, but in reality we’re never too old. I work 2 blah jobs, still live at home, single, no kids, no real prospects at doing anything worth while, just working and trying to help the household. While I am academically intelligent I never did anything with it. I barely passed high school because I was too lazy to do my homework and never went to college because it bored me. On the other hand you have my sister who at 17 has never gotten less than a B+, makes Honor Roll, has college aspirations, wants to be a Doctor, and is overall Marsha Brady.
I love my sister and I’m glad she makes my mother proud, that isn’t what this is about, this is about how I’ve failed her. I had dreams and wanted to be so much more than I am now but life kicked me and I’ve never managed to get back up. I know my mother will always love me, because that’s what parents do, but is that all I am now? Am I now one of these people whose mother loves them because she has to?  I’ll admit some days I wish I was never born, I know her life would have been different, been better, she may have even been happier. While I sit here wishing I could tell my mother how sorry I am for failing I know I’ll never say a word. I’ll continue to be the silent disappointed I’ve always been, praying one day I’ll do something to make her smile at me the way she does my sister.

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