A Mother’s Love/Wanting to be Held

Today I’m taking a break from my usual, and scarce, weight-loss blogs to talk about something else. Love, more importantly the love one can only receive from a mother. 

I first want to start off saying I love my mom, and I will now and always do anything I can to help her and make her happy. And I know my mom loves me, but we view love in different ways, some are the same but still differently. They say there are 2 types of way to love someone, showing and telling. My mom is all about wanting to be shown that you love her, buy her something, take her to dinner, pay a bill lol. I do like when people buy me things (I mean come on who doesnt?) but I like to be told I’m loved, hugged, kissed on the forehead. So at times we have trouble connecting, to say the least. 

I do now and always will believe my mother always did what she thought was best, and I wasn’t an easy child, but like all parents mistakes were made because there isn’t a manual for raising children. Somewhere down the line and circumstances I developed depression which I still battle with, but it also caused me to legitimately stop believing in love. 

I know that sounds silly to some people, especially those who heat me say “I love you.” But I say it because in my head I know it’s the social response someone is looking for, my heart doesn’t feel it, or it didn’t. Until I met someone who had changed my views on things, not just love but on life. 

A year and some months ago I started attending church, and while I’m not the most faithful I love it, I’m working though my problems and slowly building my faith and trust in God. Words I never thought I’d use lol. I attend a pentecostal church, for those of you who have no idea what that means it’s a church where the women don’t cut their hair, always wear modest skirts or dresses, don’t wear jewelry or makeup, and follow very biblical standards. And in this church you’ll find me, skinny jeans and lipstick lol, and no one will say a word about it.

I digress, I met this wonderful woman at church and we instantly connected, our lives are so much alike it’s kind of scary. She’s been where I am, she’s faced trials I know are ahead of me, and she’s fallen from grace and picked herself back up. She’s also spent the last 8 months trying to convince me she loves me, like a mother loves their child, but even now I don’t believe it fully. Every text I send her I instantly regret for fear of bothering her, every time I ask for advice I’m worried she’ll say I’m too much to deal with, but she doesn’t. She presses on and continues to love me even when life tries to push her down. 

Like I said I love my mom, but is it bad to love someone else as a mother as well? If you connect with someone on that level, and their giving you what your own mother couldn’t is it terrible to love them as a mother? There are times when you need to be able to step away from your family, when life is trying and dealing with them makes it worse, and be able to have someone to care for you like a mother. 

I write this just to rant this evening; sleep deprivation, stress, and depression have finally broken me. I work 2 jobs, a minimum of 71 hours a week, 6 days a week, and have no time to live. My mother is sweet enough to leave me dinner, and even wait up for me every night to say goodnight and she loves me. But it’s not enough, sometimes you need to be held. You need someone to wrap you up in a cover and just hold you close, to let you know life isn’t as bad and scary as it seems. Sometimes you need the love of a mother who isn’t your own to make your world worth living.

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