Seat Filler

Hello All! Yes I know it’s been forever, I’m sorry life has been busy (and I’ve been lazy). But what better time to update my blog than midnight while I’m sitting on my bedroom floor taking a breathing treatment (asthma and allergies are terrible) and crying. The topic of today’s breakdown you ask? My insecurities!! Yes I know I have so many (that’s another blog) but specifically breaking a golden rule I have. 

For the past 6 almost 7 years I’ve lived by a golden rule (no nothing THE Golden rule), don’t get attached. Just hear me out before you make the scuffing noises. So I believe everyone has a place in this wasteland we call a world, some people’s places are better than others, but we all have one and we usually know what it is. Have you ever heard of seat fillers at award shows? You know they’re the people who jump in a seat when a famous person goes to the bathroom or something so the seat isn’t empty if the cameras pan to the audience (yes they actually do this, and no I have no idea where I learned this). Well I believe some of us are just seat fillers in this world, meant to help others and fill voids until the star comes back. 

I know it sounds pessimistic and it probably is, but circumstances in my life have lead me to this feeling. So how do you avoid this? DON’T GET ATTACHED!!! While it may not fix being a seat filler, it does make things less painful when you’re no longer needed. Let me clarify before I continue (lest someone get upset or misunderstand me), I don’t believe people use me or other and just cast them aside like trash. I believe they genuinely believe they care about us because we’re filling a need for them, and once they have their person back they slowly forget about us because they can’t help it. 

Like I said, I’ve broken the rule and I don’t even know what to do about it. Today I’ve been in my feelings and I’ve wanted to cry most of the day (thank you hormones!) I got attached, it started with one person, then the children, and it’s continued on to the rest of her family (I mean how do you stop yourself from loving such amazing people?!) But today I kind of had to remind myself of my place, and that reminder hurt more than I wanted it to. I made a promise to someone last year that they would get their family back (and physically she has, emotionally it’s not quite there). You know it started so much like it always does, me filling a void and just trying to help, but this time my feelings got involved. 

So what happens when my promise comes to fruition? Likely the same thing as always (you know the calls come less and less, the text eventually stop, and they forgot I exist) I’ve been through this so many times its textbook now. The difference is this one will hurt, this loss will break what’s left of my soul (there isn’t much left but it’s still there), but it’s not like I’ll fight to stop it. I’ll be thrilled when I keep my promise and she gets what she wants, even though it means my use is up I’ll be happy to see them happy. My heart will hurt after this one though, all because I couldn’t follow one simple rule. 

Before you say it, no I can’t just tell any of them how I feel (because they’ll laugh it off and say I’m being ridiculous, and I’ll fake laugh and that’ll be the end of it.) How do you tell people that you’re afraid to lose them? How do you explain to them that all the people before so easily forgot you existed that you can’t let yourself trust them when they say they won’t? Is it worth hurting them because of your insecurities? Maybe it’s for the best I stay silent, I let it play out, they’re happy and I’ll get over it. I guess at the end of the day I’m just lucky to have gotten to know what it’s like, lucky to know what it feels like to be loved, even if it was just as a seat filler. 

It’s 12:18 and my nebulizer treatment is over, my tears are still fresh, and my brain wants to stop thinking. I guess I wrote this in hopes of feeling better tomorrow, I don’t even know anymore. I will say if you read this and thought of someone message them, reach out and let them know you haven’t forgotten about them, because chances are they feel like a seat filler in your life.

Good night my dears, thanks for reading.

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Dream A Little Dream

Hello all! So I promised you a lighthearted blog to try and bring the mood up. I’m still not feeling 100% physically, and I’m pretty sure I’m only at about 20% emotionally, but all is well. This won’t be a long post, it honestly may not even be worth reading, but it’s something to lighten the mood and make us (mainly me) feel a little better. 

I work in the food industry now (yes I finally gave up teaching), and we’ve been crazy busy preparing for Super Bowl. We’re usually pretty busy but this passed week (especially the past 3 days) have been hell! Last night I got a much needed break and mood booster while walking around the dinning room. I started off as a server, now a manager (yay me), and I’ve gotten to know alot of our regulars pretty well. I pride myself on remembering their orders, their children, grandchildren, and to a few their health problems. 

Anyways last night I stepped out into the dinning room to see how our customers were doing (it gives me a break and a chance to check customer satisfaction), when I ran into a regular of ours. She’s a woman in her mid 40’s 2 beautiful daughter around 9 and 11, I noticed none of my ladies looked happy which isn’t them at all. I stopped to chat and when I approached the table one of the little girls say me and gave me the biggest smile and a hug. After commenting on their source faces (they are the kind of regulars I can do that with) the youngest said it was because they thought I left and they were upset they didn’t see me. 

To someone like me that small interaction and the few minutes conversation that filled meant the world. I have so much doubt, not only in my job but with myself and to know that someone (especially at work) missed me made me feel so good. It was the pepper up I needed to finish my shift and it got me through most of my day today, because I know that I’m doing something right. I can make people happy, and put a smile on their faces, and that’s all I want out of life most days.

It’s said all the time but we don’t really listen to it, “Tell people you love and appreciate them because you never know when they’ll be gone.” It’s small encounters like that one that can change someone’s day. I say it all the time but I do appreciate you guys, I appreciate you reading, liking, commenting, and having a sense of community. I don’t have as many followers on this blog as I do the other, and I share alot more intimate posts on here, I appreciate your kindness to my life. Like I said this was just a short little tale to lighten the mood. Have a great night guys.

                       Thanks for Reading,

                              Yours Truly 

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Storytime?/I’m An Emotional Mess

I’ve talked about what I’m going to tell ya’ll on my other blog but I’ve kept my emotions out of the story. So today I just wanted to post what’s going on and how I actually feel about it all. I needed to add that disclaimer before writing this post. 

I have a friend who is going through alot right now, 3 kids (2 under 3), a divorce (quite bitter), moving back in with her mother (so sorry for her mom), and trying to get back to the person she was before she met this repulsive mad (abusive to her and the children). As her friend I couldn’t ask for anything better, I pray she gets help and learns to be the amazing person she use to be, like I said I couldn’t ask for anything better right? Well.. I would like to give her an attitude adjustment.. and maybe a punch in the face. I do understand that what she’s going through is hard, I’ve been through divorces (yes that’s plural) with my mother, and I’ve survived an abusive relationship (that’s a story for another day). I know it’s going to take time for her figure things out and get herself together, I know she needs friends to stand by her and love her, I know she needs help and isn’t even sure what kind of help she needs, but I need her to understand other people are going through things too. 

I love her, her children (those 3 kids are my world especially the middle daughter!), hell I even love her mom (she’s amazing and she’s helped me more than I can even begin to explain). No matter what I will stand by her and do everything I can to support her, even if it’s an inconvenience, because those are the choices I make for people I love. What I can’t do is stand by and let her treat everyone the way she does. The past 3 weeks I’ve listened to her scream at her mother for literally no reason, berate her children and yell at them just because they’re stressful (they’re 9, 2, and 18 months of course they’re stressful), and even yell at me because I refuse to take her side in the fights she picks. Again I stick around by my own choice because I love her and those beautiful babies. 

I talked in my last post about the loss I experienced a very short time ago, a loss that I’m not over, a loss I’m not sure I’ll ever get over. Today I was a mess, although I held it together on the outside (for most of the day) I was dying on the inside, I still feel like I’m dying on the inside. I guess I should back track a little so you can understand why. I’m not going to explain it all again because today my heart can’t handle it, if you want the story read my post titled My Fertility Issues. A few days ago this same friend and I were in our way to help her dad (he’s amazing) and it gave us a chance to talk, really talk, and we started talking about my loss and how I was feeling. I’ve only really managed to talk to one person about this because they’ve been through it and understand how I’m feeling (although I don’t think I can ever understand how she felt and still feels), but this is my friend and I’m emotional and so we talked. 

I forgot that she doesn’t understand empathy, sympathy she knows not well but she knows it. For those of you who don’t know sympathy is when you can feel compassion, sorrow, and pity for someone; while empathy is being able to put yourself in their shoes and really feel how they feel. It’s a fine line but there’s a difference and in certain situations it is a huge difference. She made a comment to me about being “lucky” (that word is being thrown around again and I hate it) I won’t have to experience how terrible pregnancy symptoms are. My heart shattered at that statement, I know she didn’t mean it to sound as crude as it did but this is where empathy comes into play.

I’ve heard and seen how hard pregnancy can be, I’ve seen people go through pregnancies from hell, but to someone who may never experience that it’s still the most beautiful thing. To someone who lost a baby, to someone who may never fall pregnant again, to someone who only has a small and short window of opportunity even the pregnancy from hell would be worth it! Everything would be worth it to go through hours of painful labor and get to hold their baby, to know they created, carried, and fought for this little life. My heart (like so many women in my situation) breaks with every period I have, my soul dies a little with every negative pregnancy test, my spirit dims everytime I see a pregnant woman or a mother with her child, and she tells me I’m “lucky”. 

I’ve spent and continue to spend as much time with her children as I can, hearing my littles say my name and how excited they are to see me gets me through my weeks. After that comment I was silent,  we helped her dad and left, she could tell I was upset although I’m not sure she knew exactly why. We began talking again and she made what I believe she thought was a sweet offer, she said she’d be willing to carry a child for me. It is an amazing offer, to all those couples who use/need a surrogate having a friend willing to do it makes life easier, but at this stage in my journey and in my emotional state it broke me even further. Yet another reminder that my time to carry my own child is running out, another reminder that in the next 24-36 months I’ll need to have a full hysterectomy, another reminder that I can’t do what a woman was designed to do. 

I’ve spent alot of time asking why, being angry with myself, and trying to figure out how I’m suppose to live after this. I thought if I threw myself into helping her and her family that I could just forget and push it away (I’m good at burying emotions and thoughts I don’t want to feel) but I was reminded today that with my fertility and with a miscarriage you can’t push it away, and you will never forget. For those of you who haven’t and probably won’t read my other post, I found out I was pregnant and sadly it was an ectopic pregnancy. My doctor “luckily” caught it early enough to “fix” before anymore damage was done to my system. And while I didn’t have time to prepare for my baby, my body did, in some ways I think my brain had as well, and no matter how much I want to run from it I cant. 

You can’t run from the empty feeling you have, you can’t run from the urge to rest your hand on your stomach and wonder what it would have felt like to feel your baby kick. You can’t help but let your mind wonder to what the baby would have been, what it would have looked like, or what you would have named it. My heart breaks for the woman who knew, for the woman who had time to prepare, for the woman who experienced stillbirth. You are my hero’s, compared to that I don’t feel I have the right to be upset, I lost something, no scratch that I lost someone I didn’t get a chance to know, but you lost someone your heart grew to love. 

I went off on a tangent I’m sorry (and yes I took a few hours of a break to cry) I’ll do my best too get back on track. To have someone who had 3 healthy pregnancies and has 3 beautiful children offer to do something like that broke my heart. Maybe of it were to come to that I would consider it (at the end of the day I will exhaust all options before I give up) but the thought of someone else feeling my baby kick in their womb reduces me to tears. I think it was a sweet offer, just an offer made at the wrong time. Then this part of me that’s bitter and spiteful (hell even jealous) wants to punch her! Don’t offer to carry a child for me when you won’t even love the children you have! If you’re detached and withdrawn from your children (she was that way with her last pregnancy as well) can I trust you to treat your body right while you carry my child? 

These emotions I keep to myself (except for on here obviously). My heart breaks to see someone like my friend and others out there both men and woman who are blessed with children and don’t care for them properly when so many of us may never have that. I have this hope (a false and stupid hope) that when the divorce is final and she gets full custody of the children that she’ll decide she doesn’t want them and will let me take them. Even if it’s not me maybe her mother, or someone, anyone who will love these babies the way they deserve. Tonight I lay at home; after spending a wonderful day with my family, my friends mom (who’s had to deal with me crying 70% of the day), quality time with my littles, all I can think about is my friend. 

Like I said in the beginning of want to see her succeed, I want to see her happy, I want to see her become the mother I know she can be and love those kids like she should. I will, even though at times it rips my heart apart, continue to support her and spend time with the littles. I pray one day the hard work I and many others put into her life will pay off, if not for her than the children. And maybe once my body recovers and I can think clearly I’ll be able to try again. 

I’m sorry my last few posts have been sad but I can’t fake happy, not on here, this is the only place I can show my raw emotions. I’ll try to post again during a happy time of the day and make it light-hearted, I know we all need it. Thank you guys again for reading and listening. 

To all the mothers out there, please take an extra few minutes to cuddle your babies no matter how old they are. To all the mothers who have lost a baby my heart and prayers are with you, I hope you have your moment and get your Rainbow Baby.

                    Have A Good Night Guys,

                               Yours Truly 

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My Fertility Story

I’ve had a long day, I’m beyond exhausted, and I’m emotional. All good reasons to update my blog at 1:10 am! I’ve talked about my fertility issues a little here and there and yall have listened to me pout, because let’s face it, every now and then I pout. I thought maybe telling the entire story would help me feel a little better today, maybe it will help me sleep.

Growing up I was always ahead of myself; I started school a year early, I made great grades up until high school (I didn’t care in high school), I’ve always thought myself to be more intelligent and more advanced than everyone else (even if I wasn’t always). When it came to blossoming into womanhood however I was far behind everyone else, I had 1 “period” at the age of 13 and didn’t have another until 4 days before my 16th birthday. I did however suffer cramps and discomfort quite frequently, but I was ill informed and no one in my family seemed to worry so why should I?

When I was 18 I went to a specialist, at the request of a friend of mine, and found out I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which causes cysts to form on the ovaries. Some of these cysts will rupture which causes terrible pain and are so annoying, some can need medical intervention, and some just go away and leave alot of scar tissue. It’s this scar tissue along with the hormonal imbalance that makes conception ridiculously hard for most and impossible for others.

Thanks to modern medicine more woman with PCOS are conceiving and having healthy pregnancies, but some like me, still have difficulties because the scarring is so bad. Medication can do wonders even for us, but it comes at a great risk. Some medications can cause more damage with prolonged use, and eat away at the uterus eventually making it too weak to carry a baby, other risks come in the former of heart attacks, strokes, kidney failure, liver disease, ectopic pregnancy (due to scarring), ect. Yet we take the risks, we take them to just be normal and fulfill our dreams of being pregnant and having our own child, like normal woman. It’s a terrible feeling to know you can’t do what a woman was designed to do, it makes you feel less human.

Like many before me I’ve opted to take the drugs, try the cocktails, and fight the good fight. Recently I lost the battle, I pray I can still win the war, but my heart is broken, my spirit is discouraged, and my faith tested. I’d been feeling sick, really sick, nauseous, smell sensitivity, exhaustion, vomiting, sore breasts and body. Due to my medication some of these symptoms are pretty normal, but I’d been sexually active lately and after a talk with my friends mother (let’s face it she’s pretty much my mom too lol) I took the dreaded pregnancy test. Negative. A big, fat, ugly negative stared me in the face. Skip forward about 3 or 4 days and I started having pain in my side, not unusual for me, I figured cramps like most woman. Well as a few days passed the pain got worse and I broke down and called my doctor, he had me come in and he ran some tests, an ultrasound being one of them. We found out I had an ectopic pregnancy, 2 words have never hit me so hard.

I was pregnant, my dream, my prayers, my wish, whatever you want to call it came true! I was pregnant, I little part of me and a little part of him, my heart was elated! But then the other word slowly crept in, the word I wish I hadn’t of heard, ectopic. A tubular pregnancy, which meant I wouldn’t be pregnant for long. I sat there and listened as my doctor explained what had to be done, how lucky I was that it was caught so early. Was I lucky? How can someone use that word at a time like that? I guess yes I’m fortunate that it was caught before my tube burst, but lucky? I still feel anything but lucky. 

So many thoughts ran through my head, and still do, was this my fault? I’ve been under alot of stress lately and haven’t been taking care of myself properly, I’ve been running myself ragged to help my friend, and I’ve been working nonstop, did I cause this? Am I so bad of a person that God cursed me to give me my dream and take it away in a matter of an hour? Would I have been that terrible of mother? Logically I know this happened because of the scarring from the cysts, but emotionally I still can’t comprehend why. 

I spend my life helping others, giving all I can and all I have to those that need it. I’ll run myself ragged and not really complain (ok I do complain but most of the time it’s in a joking way), so why couldn’t I have this? I’ve debated about giving up, maybe this is a sign it’s not suppose to happen, maybe I’m just not meant to be a mother. It makes it worse when everyone keeps saying what a great mother I’ll make, because all I can do is awkwardly smile and pray it even happens. I lost this battle and I’m not sure I have the strength or the heart to fight the war.

My strife in life is watching other people and my friends take their children for granted, to hear them complain about how terrible pregnancy is, to love my friends children so much while knowing I’m nothing more than mommy’s friend to them. There’s a good chance I’ll only ever be mommy’s friend, or aunt, or TT, and it’s a fact I need to face. I haven’t figured out how to fully function in my normal life again, I have great days with heartbreaking moments, horrible days with spots of joy, and I have days where I don’t know what I feel. I hear all of this is normal, it’ll eventually get better, but for now my heart breaks for what could have been and the child I’ll never know.

To all of you who have lost a child, no matter how early, I’m sorry. My heart and prayers are with you, I hope you can once again be strong and I pray you get your baby. 

                    Thanks For Reading,

                            Yours Truly 

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Babies and Hospitals

Hi guys.. yea I know I’m the worst. I have another blog that gets updated everyday and I forget about this one, I’ll try harder. So I’m sitting at the hospital with my friend and her son, both of whom I love more than anything else, but it’s one of the hardest things to do.

I always have ups and downs when it comes to my fertility, usually more ups than downs, but being around this particular friend and her 3 kids makes it so hard. I’ve grown so close this family and I would and will always do anything for them, it just breaks my heart. Is it normal to love someone who isn’t yours so much? Is it ok? 

Sitting in a hospital room watching your child be sick is horrible, watching a child who isn’t yours be sick is terrible. You have no control, you have no say, you just have to sit here and let his mother tell them what’s wrong and be upset that the nurses don’t want to listen to you. 

This is a short post but I needed a quick rant. Part of life is doing hard things, this is one of those, her entire life is one of those. Sitting back and having to let her be a mother and figure things out for herself when all you want to do is do it yourself. She is an amazing mother and I know in time she’ll be even better, and I will always be here to make sure she succeeds. Today it breaks me heart to so badly wish it were me sitting here with my child, snuggling with the baby I carried, loving on my sick little one. 

              Thanks for listening guys,

                             Yours Truly

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A Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for so many things everything really. I’m sorry that you were so young when you had me and had to raise me on your own, I’m sorry being such a clingy child. I’m sorry for crying and blaming you because my dad wasn’t around, I know it wasn’t your fault I always knew it wasn’t. I’m sorry for being such a slacker in school, I was smart but lazy and I’m sorry I you had to yell at me because of it. I’m sorry I’ve never accomplished anything of importance or even significant, I know that I’ve disappointed you my entire life. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more like my sister and accomplish what she has. I just want you to know that I’m sorry I’ve failed. 

Before anyone gets all concerned and wants to report my post of flag it or whatever no this isn’t me saying goodbye, this isn’t a suicide note, this isn’t me wanting attention or even help. This  is me honestly wishing I had the courage to tell my mom these things. 

I’m emotional and I cry when I’m sad, luckily for me I spend about 5 out of the 7 days being sad lol. No mother, or at least most mothers, would ever tell their children how much they’ve disappointed them, but we know. We see it in their eyes when they look at us, hear it in their voice when they speak us, we can even feel it in the way you hug us. It’s a terrible feeling when you’re the disappointment, it’s even worse when you can never compete with your siblings. I’m 24 and my sister is 17, and yes I know I’m too old to feel threatened by my sister, but in reality we’re never too old. I work 2 blah jobs, still live at home, single, no kids, no real prospects at doing anything worth while, just working and trying to help the household. While I am academically intelligent I never did anything with it. I barely passed high school because I was too lazy to do my homework and never went to college because it bored me. On the other hand you have my sister who at 17 has never gotten less than a B+, makes Honor Roll, has college aspirations, wants to be a Doctor, and is overall Marsha Brady.
I love my sister and I’m glad she makes my mother proud, that isn’t what this is about, this is about how I’ve failed her. I had dreams and wanted to be so much more than I am now but life kicked me and I’ve never managed to get back up. I know my mother will always love me, because that’s what parents do, but is that all I am now? Am I now one of these people whose mother loves them because she has to?  I’ll admit some days I wish I was never born, I know her life would have been different, been better, she may have even been happier. While I sit here wishing I could tell my mother how sorry I am for failing I know I’ll never say a word. I’ll continue to be the silent disappointed I’ve always been, praying one day I’ll do something to make her smile at me the way she does my sister.

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In My Feels

Today I’m in my feeling, and since this is my blog, pretty much my diary, I’m going to talk about it. I feel like I’m at a weird point in my life, 24, single, working 2 jobs, still living at home, childless, and an emotional disaster. Living at home doesn’t concern me so much because I have plans to move out once not only my finances but my families finances are back on track, it’s been a tough year for our family and we need all of our incomes to survive. 

Honestly even the single at childless thing only bothers me late at night, and I love working both my jobs. But like the title says I’m in my feels today, because I am lonely and I have the urge to have children. The thing is, I’m tired, tired of being told no one wants to date a big girl (or its usually a creepy guy), tired of watching everyone have what I want.

I mean where do you meet people? I work 6 days a week 71 hours minimum and the bar scene just isn’t my thing. I do attend church but we are a small congratulations with 2 men my age, 2! Oh yea and they both have girlfriends! add on to that thay I go to a pentecostal church, which I love, but I’m not the strictest pentecostal. I share many of the beliefs, I no longer cut my hair, I do try to dress modestly, but I get tattoos, I don’t think having a few drinks will send me to hell, and I use the F word alot. So where do I meet people?

“Try a dating website,” I’m sure is what alot of you are going to say but those things are terrible. It always ends up with “let’s hook up” or “yea your church is weird” and I hate that.

So today after eating with family and being asked when I’m going to meet a nice guy and start a family I just want to cry. It’s not like I’m not trying, I just can’t seem to find one. So today I’m Turing ingredients to you guys, where do you meet people to date? Please respond in the comments, I’m starting to feel like I’m talking to myself lol.

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